Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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