I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
