How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
