my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
