This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
