:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
