i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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