y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
