I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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