and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
