I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
