Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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