im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
