You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
