mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
