This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
