His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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