I wish they made helmets for livers.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
