I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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