I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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