If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
