Just fell off a train. Bad.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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