I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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