I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
