hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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