So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i believe in u and ur pee
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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