So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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