I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
