When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
