My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize