she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i think i just naturally attract stoners
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
