never play flip cup with pint glasses
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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