I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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