A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
