i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i need to put some appletini on your dick
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
