You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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