i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The best revenge is premature balding
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
