yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
