I wanna bring you to show and tell
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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