I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
