What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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