your parents love me but you hate me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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