I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
