Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
