and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Everything isnโt always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes thereโs tequila.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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