dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
