I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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