Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
