NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
