genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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