I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?