my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.