You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
