I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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