After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
