Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
