some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
